Just Friends

One has to pass through this hell. One has to experience both the hell of living with a woman and the hell of living without a woman. And it is not true about women, it is absolutely true about men too. So don’t be a male chauvinist pig!!!

It is applicable both ways, it is a double edged sword. Women are tired of living with men and they too are frustrated when have to live alone, it is one of the most fundamental of human dilemmas; it has to be understood. You cannot live with a woman because you don’t know how to live with yourself. You are not meditative enough.

Meditation is the art of living with yourself. It is nothing else than that, simply that: the art of being joyous alone. A meditator can sit joyously alone. He does not hanker for the other because his own inner ecstasy is so much, is so overpowering, who bothers about the other?

If the other comes into his life, it is not a need, it is a luxury.

And I am all for luxury, because luxury means you can enjoy it if it is there and you can enjoy it when it is not there. But a need is a difficult phenomenon. For example, bread and butter are needs, but the flowers in the garden are a luxury. You can live without the flowers, but you cannot live without the bread and butter.

For the man who cannot live with himself, the other is a need, an absolute need, because whenever he is alone, he is bored with himself – so bored that he wants some occupation with somebody else. Because it is a need, it becomes dependence, you hate, you rebel, you resist, because it is slavery. Dependence is a kind of slavery and nobody wants to be a slave.

You meet a woman – you are not able to live alone. The woman is also not able to live alone, that why she is meeting you; otherwise there is no need. Both are bored with themselves and both are thinking that the other will help to get rid of the boredom. Yes, in the beginning, it helps to get rid of the boredom. As they settle together, soon they see that the boredom is not destroyed – it is not only doubled but has multiplied.

Now first, they were bored with themselves, now they are bored with the other too, because the closer you come to the other, the more you know the other, the more the other becomes almost a part of you. That’s why if you see a bored couple walking by, you can be certain that they are married. If they are not bored, you can be certain that they are not married. The man must be walking with somebody else’s wife, that’s why there is so much joy…

When you are in love – when you have not yet persuaded the woman and the woman has not yet persuaded you to be together forever – you both pretend great joy. And something of it is true, too, because of the hope that the beautiful moments that you have shared with the other.

‘Who knows, I may come out of my boredom, my anguish, my anxiety, my aloneness. This woman may help me.’ And the woman is also hoping. But once you are together, the hope soon disappears, despairs sets in again. Now you are bored and the problem has become multiplied. Now, how to get rid of this woman?

Because you are not meditative, you need others to keep you occupied. And because you not meditative, you are not able to love either, because love is an overflowing joy. You are bored with yourself, what have you got to share with the other? Hence, being with the other also becomes hell.

In that sense, Jean-Paul Sarttre is right that “The other is hell.” The other is not hell really, it only appears so. The hell exists in you, in you non-meditativeness, in your incapacity to be alone and ecstatic. And both are unable to be alone and ecstatic. Now both are at each others throats, continuously trying to snatch some happiness from each other. Both are doing that and both are beggars.

One psychoanalyst met another psychoanalyst on the street; the first one said to the other, “ you look fine. How am I?”

Nobody knows himself, nobody is acquainted with himself. We only see the faces of others. A woman looks beautiful, a man looks beautiful, smiling, all smiles. We don’t know his anguish. Maybe all those smiles are just a façade to deceive other and to deceive himself. Maybe behind those smiles there are great tears. Maybe he is afraid if he does not smile, he may start weeping and crying. When you see the other, you simply see the surface closer, you soon know that the inner depths of the other person are as dark as your own. He is a beggar just as you are. Now… two beggars begging from each other. Then it becomes hell.

Yupp, they are hell to live with and hell to live without. But it is not a question about women or men; it is about meditation and love. Meditation is the source from which joy wells up within you and starts overflowing. If you have joy enough to share, your love is going to be tiring, exhausting, boring. So whenever you are with a woman, you are bored and want to get rid of her, and whenever you are alone, you are bored with yourself and want to get rid of your loneliness, and you seek and search for a woman. This is a vicious circle!! You can go on moving like a pendulum from one extreme to the other your whole life.

The real problem has nothing to do with man and woman. It has something to do with meditation and the flowering of meditation in love, in joy, in blissfulness.

Be blissful, then much love will happen of its own accord. Then being with others is beautiful and being alone is also beautiful. Then it is simple, too. You don’t depend on other and you don’t make others dependent on you. Then it is always friendship, friendliness. It never becomes a relationship, it is always a relatedness.

You relate; as long as things are moving beautifully, you share. And if you see that the moment has come to depart, because your paths separate at this crossroad, you say goodbye with great gratitude for all that the other has been to you, for all the joys and all the pleasures and all beautiful moments that you have shared with the other. With no misery, with no pain, you simply separate.

Nobody can guarantee that two persons will always be happy together, because people change (People Talk) you are one person. After 10 years, you will be another person, she will be another person. It is like a river; the water is continuously flowing. The person who had fallen in love is no longer there, both are no longer there. Now you can go on clinging to a certain promise given by somebody else –but you had not given it.

A real man of understanding never promises for tomorrow, he can only say, ‘For the moment.’ A really sincere person cannot promise at all. How can one promise? Who knows about tomorrow? Tomorrow may come, may not come. Tomorrow may come, ‘You may find somebody with whom you fit more deeply, I may find somebody whom I go with more harmoniously.’ The world is vast. Why exhaust it today? Keep doors open, keep alternatives open.

One old man, eighty years old, was celebrating his fiftieth wedding anniversary with his wife who was seventy-five year. They went to the same hotel, to the same hill station where they had gone on their honeymoon. The Nostalgia!! Now his is eighty, she is seventy-five. They booked into the same hotel and took the same room as last time. They were trying to live again those beautiful days of fifty years ago. When they were going to sleep, the woman said, ‘Have you forgotten? Aren’t you going to kiss me the way you kissed me on our honeymoon night?’

The old man said, ‘Okay,’ and got up.

The woman asked, ‘Where are you going?’

He said, ‘I am going to get my teeth from the bathroom.’

Everything has changed. Now this kiss without teeth or with false teeth is not going to be the same kiss. But the man says, ‘ Okay.’ The journey must have been tiring and for an eighty-year old… but people go on behaving as if they were the same.

Very few people really grow up; even if they become aged, they don’t grow up. Growing old is not growing up. Real maturity comes through meditation.

Learn to be silent, peaceful, still. Learn to be a no-mind. That has to be the beginning. Nothing can be done before that and everything becomes easier after that. The day that moment comes in your life, you can share your joy. Now you are able to give love. Before that it is going to be misery, hopes and frustrations, desires and failures and dreams… and then dust in your hand and in your mouth. Beware, don’t waste time. The earlier you become attuned to no-mind, the better it is. Then many things can flower in you: love, creativity, spontaneity, joy, gratitude.


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